Autumn Wishes
by blahosaurus
Summary: The trees shake their goodbye with colours of the sunset, but when does a person know when it's time to go, to give up? How can a person leave everything behind for nothing? Complete


Autumn Wishes

The autumn trees were bleeding leaves in a burst of orange and red hues, scattering colours fluttering in the wind. The colours of the dieing sun filtered through in patterns of goodbye, but the cold priestess ignored the seasonal beauty, her sharp blue eyes trained on the scene before her.

She did not know how things had gotten so out of hand, how events had gone by so fast. A blur of colour, memories past. One second they were fighting Naraku, defeating him, his ruthless eyes filled with a rage that would never be spent as he crumbled at their feet. The battle field reeked of death, it's presence clinging to the air like dark leeches, and she though it would be harmless to give her beloved hanyou a little more time. A little more time so she could breath fresh air, and see birds flutter past. Hold a child's hand, see life in the luxury she would never have.

But time had sped past, wars increasing in number, and she kept busy by aiding the living, helping them so she didn't have to feel to guilty, so they didn't fall as she had once.

And so she had ignored her heart's keeper for a while, but it seemed a while was longer than she had predicted.

But she had predicted many things. She had predicted that Inu-yasha would turn human for her, she had predicted they would live _together, _in a hut in the village, so she could still look over. She had predicted that, even after death, Inu-yasha would still love her, that his love fore her would be strong enough.

And she had been wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Inu-yasha and her had been ripped apart, and he had moved on. He had stopped loving her.

And it was all that reincarnation's fault.

She was young and innocent and stupid. She was the damsel in distress, even though she didn't want to be. She had to be saved, and Inu-yasha was her hero.

How pathetic. Yet it hit close to heart.

Was it so terribly wrong, that she wanted a second chance? Was it so bad that she had wanted to be saved, that she didn't want to be alone? Was it so awful that she had wanted to be a woman, a woman that longed to be with the man she loved, even if it meant changing him? Even if it meant changing herself? But, of course, no one listened to her side of the story.

So fine, it seemed, to be replaced after death. It was only right that the person left behind found new happiness, but she had been brought back to witness it. She had be ripped from her sleep and awakened to witness how she was replaced, by none other than her incarnation! Her shadow, the copy who was everything she was not.

The incarnation didn't understand Inu-yasha like she could. She didn't know how it was to be truly lonely, she didn't know how it felt to go through what Inu-yasha had. She didn't know what true pain felt like.

How ugly betrayal's face could be.

She didn't know how it was to die by the hand of the man you loved, even though it was just an illusion. To have a knife in your heart that can never be removed.

Never for ever.

The incarnation had told her it was Naraku who had killed her, like that would change everything, and, she had to admit, that on a base level it did, but it didn't stop the nightmares, the fear, the memories. It didn't stop the ghost of the remembrance of when she had seen his claws tear her flesh, when she had stared into the copy-cat eyes of the man she loved, and seen nothing but loathing. No love. No promise. No heart.

What a fool she had been. What a complete and utter fool. She had fallen _in love_. Given her heart to a forbidden man in silver platter. Worn her feelings in her eyes, fallen as deep as you could go. And now she was suffocating in a world she didn't belong in, yet couldn't turn her back to.

How could she? Knowing the utter nothingness that followed, the void she would be trapped in. a hell far worse than any torture. A place in which she didn't belong. And behind she left no one who loved her, who would remember her for who she truly was. For she had died with blood staining her hands, died heartless, soulless, broken.

Like a wish never asked come true, she had been brought back. Trapped in the never ending spiral of heartlessness she had been stuck upon. Something inside her had changed, had frozen up, had stopped. Something had broken, and it could not be repaired.

Too late

I can't be saved.

Too late, her life had gone past, and yet she wouldn't let go. She couldn't let go. She couldn't just die, and never live again, never feel the rain on her make shift skin, never feel the water against her lips, never feel the wind through her hair.

Never see his amber eyes again.

If anything scared her it was that. She simply could not die. Not again.

Part of her, the part that wanted to die, also wanted to let Inu-yasha go. He had never been truly happy with her, for she had asked him to change, and it pained her, but it was true. There was no going around them being in love, but it was a love fuelled out of desperation, out of pain and loneliness, and not out of trust. They had barely spoken to each other, never shared anything more than a single kiss and a broken promise. And that had been their downfall.

And that's all she seemed to think about. The past, and what could have been. A million 'what ifs' that tortured her without relent. She lived in the past, and clung to the future with a dead woman's hope.

She had lost everything, but gained something instead. Even if it barely mattered anymore, part of her relished in the fact that it hadn't been Inu-yasha. That he hadn't betrayed her, that he had wanted to be with her too.

But by not forgiving she had lost him, again. And instead, her dear incarnation had picked up the peaces and melted the heart. She had saved him as much as she had saved her, and if Kikyo had a heart, it would have been broken. If Kikyo had a heart, she would have been glad.

But now she was a whisper in darkness, and all she wanted to do was lose herself in his arms.

Forget and forgive, forget and forgive.

But all tears were dried up, all compassion buried so deep down it was eating her away, slowly but surely.

And now she had decided, she couldn't go on. Beauty hurt too much. The innocence of a child, the flow of a stream. The glow of the moon against her skin. The world was crumbling inside her as it flourished outside, and she had too find him, too see him. After all they had gone threw, he would follow her to hell.

Would he really leave her to die alone?

One again.

And the part of her soul that remained froze in anguish at the sight.

Beauty hurt too much. Laughter piercing, smile a mocking. The place where her wings used to bee charred and burnt, agony killing her slowly.

Again and again and again.

But it was true. There was so much love in his eyes it hurt. Golden with warmth, a tear and a smile. A ripping of hearts like a packet of cards.

So much torture, even after death. She was so tired, of going on, Of dragging her feet, heavy hearted. Slow and painfully dead.

But it seemed she was not enough. Her loneliness not deserved. And now her shadow was in his arms, and she looked just as happy as him. It's not fair. After all she had gone through.

It's not fair.

Kagome rested her back against his chest, pausing in their walk. Shippo bounded ahead, tail waving like a flag, smarter than his age allowed most to be. There was a innocence with the scene that made the dull day brighter, the clouds more harmless in their rumbling path, hungry for the shedding of tears.

Inu-yasha's arms snaked around her waist as she laughed at something he had said. It smelled like a storm, the air charged up with electricity, sharp and exiting, and he just couldn't keep his hands off her.

"I think we should try the new hut alone today, just to make sure everything works before the kit goes in." the rumble of his voice sent a familiar shiver through her body as his breath bloomed before his lips in warm mist, curling around her ear. She blushed and tilted her hands to look backwards at his lowered face, a smirk lighting his features. She smirked right back, even though colour still dusted her face.

"I'll have to think about it love." Her lips brushed against the sensitive skin of his neck. She loved to be so open, after the confrontation with Naraku, and then the near-death experience with the water youki, something had snapped between them, barriers taken down, and with suppressed fervour they had built a long awaited relationship.

Her tongue teased the spot right to his pulse, just where she knew he was most sensitive., and she got a immediate reaction. He groaned, his face deep in her hair as she nibbled playfully, but suddenly she had twirled away, making him stumble forward.

"It depends if you can wait, koishii…" Her voice was mocking as she walked away from him, a single, mischievous look thrown back, blue eyes glinting. He growled at her play, but before he could tackle her she turned away from him and called,

"Shippo! Come on darling, lets see if we can help at Kaede's." Shippo was a blur of orange and green as he came back from chasing a squirrel. He knew when Kagome got like _that_, he had to leave them for a bit, or something do to just in case they played for too long.

"Ka-" But suddenly the wind shifted, dancing around him with invisible skirts that billowed at the force, and a very familiar scent caressed his nose in a cold reminder.

"Kikyo…" He said, out of pure habit. Suddenly Kagome had stopped and her wide eyes were staring at Inu-yasha with unbelievable doubt.

"What did you just call me…?" Her voice, even so soft with hurt, snapped Inu-yasha out of his search, and he shook his head at her, desperate to banish that look from her eyes.

"No, I wasn't calling you. It's just…Kikyo is nearby." _Very nearby._ He thought to himself. For a moment they looked at each other, a worried Shippo in between, She smiled and nodded her approval, trusting him. Kikyo's took a step back, as if struck. If she had been able to breath, it would be getting harder right about then…

Inu-yasha jumped forward, kissed her on the forehead, smirked at Shippo and then took a few steps back. Kagome's scent was laced with worry as she looked at his sniffing form.

"Be careful. Please." And with that she walked off, Shippo snuggled in comfort. Inu-yasha watched them go with a look in his eyes Kikyo had never seen before. A look she had longed to see. For her.

Once the two were out of sight, Inu-yasha turned to where the dead Miko's scent came from, ready to tackle the problem that hat hung over them like a swinging noose.

"Come out Kikyo." His voice was soft, careful. Almost… friendly. Anger blazed up, hot and fake. Needed.

The shadows fell off her shoulders like a cape as she stepped out from under the trees. They regarded each other, past catching up with present. Did she really have to ask?

"Will you leave with me now, Inu-yasha? Like you promised?" Her voice cut through the air like blades, and yet his look did not disappear. Though it turned apologetic at her question. At her request.

"I told you I would be there Kikyo. I promised I would protect you, and I will. But I have a partner now. I can't leave her. I'm in love with her…I'm going to ask her to be my mate." The words were explanatory, trying to make her understand, but it stung like salt on a wound. Her mask became colder as her insides froze up with old pain renewed.

"So you're going to leave me to die alone? That's it then. Do I mean so little you now that you would me go in solitude, when she has so many who love her?" Inu-yasha didn't miss the edge of desperation in her voice. It seemed that Kikyo had changed after all. So much for talk of freedom now that she was dead, for she was more chained than ever. Inu-yasha shook his head slightly.

"No Kikyo. You have people who love you." He tried to say, but she cut him off with a bitter laugh.

"People who love me! Oh, don't make me laugh!" Her fist clenched against her words. No more reminders, please, not this again.

The hanyou took a step forward, a gentle smile on his face, and she wondered at his aura. How had that girl melted his defences? How had she managed him to come out, what she had wanted to do with a wish?

"Kaede loves you. All the villagers that remember you love you. Everyone that you have touched, even after death. You were always so good with children…" Her eyes were filled with hurt. How dare he? How dare he be so familiar. She was the one who used to do this. And now it was him in her place, reassuring. Protecting. Always protecting.

"And I love you too. But not in the same way as we agreed we would be. Kagome…I can't leave her behind."

The words left her warm and cold. Happy and sad. Longing for what should have been.

She growled humanly, taking a step away from him.

"So what am I supposed to do? Just die? Alone and with no one! Damn you Inu-yasha!" And with that she turned away in a flurry of soul collectors, and with a mournful song they carried her away as Inu-yasha's heart contracted. A torrent of tears fell upon them, cold and hard, slamming into life and death alike.

But his words didn't leave her. Day in and day out, she grew weaker as time went pass, and she found herself not taking the souls that her collectors brought her, offered her to prologue life in death

Her time had passed, and her body weighed more every passing minute.

She just wanted to rest. She had arrived at the point when all she wanted was peace, somewhere to lie.

Somewhere to be loved.

She could see the leaves moving, wind stroking them like a lover's caress. Birds sang, animals cried. The word was moving, but making no sound.

She sat beneath the weeping willow. Her willow. But it didn't hide her. Gave no reassurance.

Hours passed, she wasn't crying anymore. Too many tears. Too much pain in each passing drop. her hair sat still on her back and shoulders, wind avoiding their touch. Slowly she got up, heart coated with lead. she was in a dream, in a nightmare. Feet taking her, mind blank. She looked around the dieing landscape on bright colours she couldn't see. Not anymore. She could feel no sun playing on her skin, no wind's caress lulling her to sleep, no life in her shadow.

She longed to breath, just one more time, but she settled with a smile and the song of a bird.

Her time was long past. Long past. And all she had to do….was fly away.

In the glowing crackle of a fire Kagome gasped as the most peculiar feeling took a hold of her, making her body energize with something that felt like current, all her nerves on painless fire. Far away she could hear Inu-yasha calling her name, but the worlds was tipping around her, senses reeling. Her soul was shifting, fluttering, calling to herself, and suddenly, with an impact to her very core, she was whole for the first time in years. Completely and utterly.

She took a breath of air, almost as if she was being manipulated. A sad smile played with her lips as the warmth of the fire coated her skin, and suddenly the presence was gone, leaving a glowing girl behind, mind clear and relief flooding her senses.

_Thank you_ Someone said. She smiled.

_Your welcome._

And peace did not come with darkness, but with completion, for, after all, she had died in her love's arms…

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Hmm…Not completely happy with it, but the start was done a long time ago, and at school, but it gave me relief of the understanding I have of Kikyo, even though I will never stop being a Kag/Inu writer…

Please review, will only take you a fraction of what it took me to write this, and if you got this far, there is no way you are so lost that you have _nothing _to say…

Monkeys…

Yes, autumn is the season of death indeed. A piece of cake to anyone who got that…

**Just a oneshot…**


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